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Tuesday, April 17, 2012


It's difficult to hold everything in that you feel. In fact, I would suggest that this action of HOLDING EVERYTHING INSIDE would be outwardly perceived as depression. You know the type. You ask them, "Are you OK?" because their FACE is telling you of the sadness before they open their mouth. Suddenly the edges of their mouth curl up in what appears to be the makings of a smile, or at least the attempt. They meekly respond, "I'm fine. Really". And you smile back at them ~ perhaps a sweeter one than usual, trying to make them feel good. But you know that you've failed ~ completely and utterly failed ~ to reach this very sad person.

This very sad person ~ for argument's sake let just say it's me OK ~ So rather than saying "VERY SAD PERSON" all the time, I'm just going to say ME. Makes things a bit easier on the communication front yeah? I just like to get things straight before I commence any transference of information. YES I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT so stay with me. You won't learn it in one session. On the contrary, I think you'll be in counsel for many years. That's why I keep my posts brief so that the little chunks of valuable gleaming thought can be gleaned easily and without fuss. You can return to any specific post at any time you wish to re-live my moments of joy and insight :). WHAT?? You don't feel I have anything important to tell you and that you know it all? YOU'RE NOT FUCKING 15 ARE YOU? Ah well, that is probably the reason then. From what I can gather there is absolutely NOTHING that a 15-20 year old doesn't know. I mean, it's all right here ON THE FUCKING INTERNET isn't it! Anything I EVER EVER EVER want to know about just about anything, IS NOW STANDING AT THE FOOT OF MY BED IN THE BEDROOM. MY MUMMY & DADDY BOUGHT IT FOR ME LAST YEAR. IT'S SO FUN, AND NOW I CAN SEE THE SEALED SECTION OF CLEO WHENEVER I WANT. I NEVER KNEW THERE WERE SO MANY DIFFERENT LOOKING DICKS IN THE WORLD MUMMY?

Sorry I let my mind wander free for a moment there. Indeed this depressed form of person is so lonely and down at heal that it would take the love and affection of only one significant other to lift them up a bit. Sadly, if this OTHER is to suddenly present themselves into their life, they get very excited and joyous at the prospect of no longer enduring everything as a single unit. So much so, in fact, it can be perceived by the protagonist that the significant other is withdrawing. The withdrawal is met with further stifling, and so on and so on, until the OTHER decides to pull the pin on the whole game. Which it is of course. A GAME. A LOVE GAME. Lady Gaga got that right anyway.

So rather than having people feel this way all day, everyday, until they reach the point where they're either a) suicidal or b) homicidal, the pharmaceutical companies are now making fortunes from these little pills that are prescribed WILLY-nilly. Basically ~ visit the doc ~ if you're an adult and you're sad you'll get some nice white lollies to swallow. Don't think they'd taste too good if you sucked em. Too bad, I'm REALLY REALLY GOOD at sucking. Had a lifetime of experience. These pills have slightly different formulations so you get to feel nauseous and like death walking for about 6 weeks until you hit upon the type and dose that is agreeable to your system. After about 2 months, you'll won't really notice anything. After 6 months, you'll appreciate that you're not crying as much and you're laughing more at the little things again. After three years, you are probably at a mental disposition where you can actually change your perspective on many levels. Part of this change involves understanding that everyone is just a single unit trying to make it on their own ~ YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT ALONE IN THIS. WE ARE ALL FUCKING ALONE!!!

So now you're at the point where you understand independence and inter-dependence. You may not actually be INDEPENDENT, but you get it. By being independent you must be :-

a)Living alone or as a family unit (mother or father)
b)Earning your own source of income either alone or as a family unit (mother or father)
c)Able to freely move around in your environment and the community without aids or assistance
d)Contribute to the open space of your environment by paying your rates and taxes

If you are not yet independent it doesn't matter. When the time comes you will embrace it and you will no longer be frightened, thanks to the little pills. Some shrinks believe that these little pills (which will make someone, somewhere a fucking fortune I might tell you!!!) are the actual PROBLEM because they are only MASKING what we truly feel inside. Of course, they would wouldn't they? ~ they are being BUSTED OUT OF A FUCKING JOB BY A LITTLE WHITE PILL!!!

You know what I think? (WHAT CAROLYN ~ WHAT DO YOU THINK? ***JAMES ASKS***). I think there is absolutely nothing FUCKING wrong with them. I feel like I can make a much stronger contribution to my life, and therefore other's lives, now that I am on a stable dose. They do not alter your psychological state to any extent that I can ascertain. Of course, there are a few other chemicals in my body from OTHER THINGS which I abuse my body doing, which could POSSIBLY have affected my psychological state, but I'm not going to talk about those today ;). So if you ever meet someone who is on antidepressants, you can take it from The Cappa ~ they're not going to come at you with a knife in the middle of the night like LIZZIE BORDEN. On the contrary, they would probably be the least likely to now, as they're feeling emotionally much more stable. SO UP YOURS TO ANYONE WHO SAYS ANY DIFFERENT OK???

It's a far cry from good, I know. We really need to analyse our emotions on a global scale. But to do this we need to be communicating on a global scale. Up until recently we have only known what the JOURNALISTS can provide to us through interviews and stories. Social media will continue to give us insight into what is REALLY GOING ON out the in the big bad world. "THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED" TRUE STATEMENT "THE REVOLUTION WILL BE PLAYED OUT ON SOCIAL MEDIA" TRUE STATEMENT. The people will now be in direct control of what they want the world to see and KNOW. This is going to be a double-edged sword.

One thing's for sure. Be prepared for anything now. Korea has launched its nuclear satellite against international sentiment, in an attempt to unite the impoverished North Koreans, whose currency (WON) is now near worthless. More people in the world feeling really PISSED OFF! SOMEONE UP THERE MADE A REALLY BIG FUCKING MISTAKE TO UNDER-ESTIMATE THE ANTS DIDN'T THEY???

Ants fascinate me ~ they all know they have an important role to play and they never question their line of command and they never want for anything more or less. What is more, if you try and squash them they generally don't die ~ OUR BODY WEIGHT TO THEIRS AND THEY DON'T DIE!!! Freaky shit yeah .....

PS. Comments
PPS. Comments


  1. carolyn hun,

    I'm sitting here reading this with tears running down my face. You are a beautiful sensual person whom i care about and respect. I'm an epileptic and suffer depression so i know how you feel. I love your vids and your pics and would to love to get to know you as a person

    Chris xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. just re-read this and have one question .. was the James who u refer to ur son or me ??
    because spookily it felt like u were talking to me as i read it ;)