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Sunday, April 15, 2012


You know in this world we have to give away everything of ourselves. At first you really resent it. What you are is precious and sacred to you and you need only reveal it those who DESERVE it. Who deserves it? Go on, ask yourself. Who deserves YOUR LOVE AND ATTENTION? First and foremost, it's you. Some people in present-day culture believe that your first love should be for something OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF. You know, like GOD for example. I'm not going to get onto this subject right now. I'm just saying that a LOT of people from very DIVERSE cultures and backgrounds believe that you should give thanks and be grateful to something external to you.

I'm all for this notion. In fact, I believe it too. Not GOD exactly, something else. There's gotta be SOMETHING ELSE right? I mean, that's why you're bothering to read this. There is SOMETHING ELSE that you're not getting ... not picking up on yet ... not sensing ... that a lot of people around you have picked up on their RADAR quite well. Is that how you feel? How DO you feel anyway? Are you numb? Are you ... IN SHOCK OR FEAR?

Don't be ashamed. Pretend you're giving me all your pain. We all have pain that we are unable to express to anyone because, to be honest, that is the way of the world! WHEN YOU SMILE THE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU. Yes we know that ... that's why we smile and say "hello" and respect our elders for the wisdom they have given us and despise those that hurt our children and donate to our favourite charity each year. WHEN YOU SMILE THE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU. It is a fairly shallow statement when you think hard about it. There is not much substance to it. It seems too good to be true ... this little piece of advice.

I never believed it when I was young. Not with all the hell I went through. "You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me Man", I'd say to THEM, "I've Tried That Shit. They Just Kick Sand In My Face And Laugh". I tried to be something else completely. They laughed then too. So I hid away for a long time. I just became part of the scenery wherever possible. It has became a sanctuary ... the loneliness although desolate is tolerable and the knowledge that death awaits me, as it does us all, can be of some comfort. The Grim Reaper has not come for me yet though. He is grinning and snorting an evil breath, waiting for a careless moment when he can electrocute me or I don't get across the road quickly enough or that evil bottle of alcohol that sits waiting for me in the pantry. I know it's there. It knows that I know it's there. It's just a matter of time for how long I can hold off the desire. Looking on the optimistic side, no one much gives a fuck for anyone over 45 these days anyway, so if I drank myself to death it COULD be perceived by some as a BLESSED RELIEF!

So don't think your the only bastard walking around with any pain or scares or hatred for anyone. But those moments have passed. You're playing them over and over again in your head like some Satanic Ritual and it's basically turned you into a cynical arsehole so if anyone tried to be pleasant to you they wouldn't reach you. You'd say "What's Your Fucking Problem Sunshine?" And NO ONE could blame you for that attitude could they? After all, they were COMPLETE INSENSITIVE, UNCARING BASTARDS towards you, so it is MY RIGHT to hate EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in this world until I exist no more. NO. I'm sorry but no. You cannot allow your mind to get so FILTHY DIRTY. You must clean and it maintain it, just as you do your car or any other old shitty piece of equipment that you may own. In fact I'd be so BOLD as to suggest that the car and various other electronic gadgets that you possess will be rendered useless if your head explodes with anger and resentment. So clean the fucking thing out!

I know what this will lead you to ask, of course. It will lead you to ask me the question, HOW? At least, that is what I'm hoping I've lead you to, without having to try too hard. I want you to be interested in your own mind and how it ticks. After all, it's you isn't it? Or do you care more about ... what, MONEY, SEX, MASTURBATION, PICKING YOUR NOSE, EATING, WHAT???

I want someone to ask me how. And if you don't know how to ask me then I'm not sure I can help you, but try leaving a COMMENT in the COMMENTS space. It would at least give me some encouragement OK?

Ta ta xxoxoxxo


  1. yes Carolyn hon how?

    My email addy is i await your answer hon

    Chris xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx