Hey. Well, here I am again sitting at the computer. I must confess the happiest times are spent with it, and not just when I'm masturbating either. There are times when I feel my mind is at its most vibrant and full of images and words ~ and I am lucky enough to be able to sit and analyze it and then convey my perceptions to you in this post.
My daughter is a chronic anger sufferer. She is also Autistic, but I just want you to put that idea aside for now, even though I have just told you. See if you can do that for me. Her immediate problems appear to be having some modicum of control over her emotions, which ebb and flow as quickly as any beer that you might pour me when we meet. Mostly she seems incredibly distressed and pissed off, and I would be too, if I had been afforded such a shit house lot of it all in a body that doesn't respond appropriately and indeed cannot perform functions all that readily or with all that much aplomb, if at all. So she is sitting in the front room now, furiously slapping at her own head, with some degree of vigor. She is getting tired, however, which is the only saving grace because she does do it less when she's sleepy. People have told me it's down to all sorts of things including puberty but I just think she's fucking angry ~ ANGRY with what SHE GOT. You know, the 'allotment' of good shit and bad shit that we all GET ~ well she got quite a lot of the latter if you ask me and I think she'd agree if she could fucking understand you, which she can't.
So you see she is in a useless body trying to convey how she FEELS inside her mind and the persistent WAILING and NASHING OF TEETH is the external result of her inner frustrations. Language, if not appallingly misinterpreted by many, is at least a rudimentary way of communicating with those around you. So to be without that ability AT ALL would be most frightening for anyone. I relate it to suddenly finding yourself in a foreign country, only in Sam's case she's a child. So a child in a foreign country and they're all ordering you around and doing shit to you like combing your hair and cleaning your teeth and making you eat shit you don't like etc. FUCKING SHOCKING!
You know no one believes themselves to be INSANE until they find themselves in a Loony Bin. Unless they're singing a song like "YOU MAY BE RIGHT" by BILLY JOEL. or BOURGEOIS TAGG'S "I DON'T MIND AT ALL" where they both admit PLAIN AS FUCKING DAY that they're completely insane but I'm sure they're still walking around being served somewhere. I'm sure I would've heard if Billy had been confined to a mental institution by now ...
So when I think about it logically I come to the conclusion that there can only be one thing for it, and that is she is being NORMAL for her, whatever that may be. Just as, for example, you get the case of a kid who gets so angry he smashes his bedroom door in or whatever. And you think to yourself, "Fuck, that kid must be off his rocker" But then you think, "Well I've been pretty angry myself at times, perhaps never enough to physical destroy property, but definitely wanting to destroy ... MYSELF usually, for feeling so terrible"
We all feel like shit and UNLOVED and UNCARED for and UNWANTED and MISUNDERSTOOD and MISTREATED and USELESS and FUCKED OVER and SICK AND TIRED of the human race at some point in our lives. And from there we either GIVE UP or we TRY AGAIN. So I can tell you WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that it's in the TRYING AGAIN that humanity THRIVES. It doesn't matter how many times you've been knocked down, it's how many times you get back up again that will MAKE or BREAK you.
Weirdly, my Mum or Dad were never able to explain this to me sufficiently. Probably more likely that I had mentally GONE FISHIN ~ whichever option you'd prefer to accept is OK by me, because it's not me I'm trying to help, but you. It is strange that in the few short years from CHILD to ADULT we are able to completely LOSE our children mentally in the terrible stress that is SURVIVAL. Sadly a child cannot sufficiently comprehend that that is what we are TRYING TO DO, so instead we yell and scream at them for wanting things we can't afford, and then when we earn some money we spend it all immediately trying to make up for the guilt that we feel about yelling, and then we've got no money again.
Anger is a form of self-expression, just as happiness, sadness, regret, remorse, inability to communicate or understand ... anything at all really. Only problem is, we can't get out of them again. We seem genetically disposed to one of them as our DEFAULT EMOTION. Deep down within our minds we formed the opinion as children that some people are against WHAT WE WANT. Those people are to be DESTROYED. However as we grow up we realize that isn't really the best option, because one day someone they know might come back and destroy us! So instead we try all sorts of means to GET WHAT WE WANT. Sadly it's the people that are THE BEST AT GETTING STUFF that seem to win, and they're not always the NICE ONES.
So how do we stop the total ARSEHOLES from getting everything? We develop MODELS and SYSTEMS and IDEAS that ~ when carried out TO THE LETTER ~ will result in BLA. Only trouble is, we don't carry them out TO THE LETTER, probably because we've met up with one of the arseholes in the previous paragraph that stopped us from doing WHAT WE SHOULD because they want us to do WHAT THEY WANT.
So, if ~ like me ~ you're quite a happy go lucky, easily pleased typed person, with no particular desire for wealth or riches but just a happy simple life, there are people EVERYWHERE that will try to LURE you into their SORDID LIFE and EXPECTATIONS OF IT. So I've learned from experience that you are better off with your own little expectations and trying to fulfill them, rather than relying on somebody else's plan which may end up to be really crap. Then that's your life over ...
You only get one change at a life of happiness and I can tell you WITH COMPLETE ASSURANCE that it comes not from money but from the simple knowledge that you didn't hurt anyone, but you did your best in all situations, and you've tried to help OTHERS in the few small ways that were within your power. JUST AS I'M DOING NOW.
So I'll catch you next time yeah? Think I'll try my hand at a little bit of fiction next time ... ;)