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Monday, January 30, 2012

RE-DRAWING MY LINE



It could be construed by many that there is a certain arrogance in wanting your prose to be read by strangers. There is that element of "I've got something to say so hear me out" thrusting of the pen (or keyboard) as you dish out the dirt on everything from the beginning of time to the ends of the Earth. Hence the title of this post ~ RE-DRAWING MY LINE ~( as basically my MENTAL world is my oyster.) Although YOU TUBE does help out quite a lot, I'm happy to say. Can you imagine a time when you didn't have the POWER to call up a song in your mind and instantaneously relive that moment in REALITY? Can you imagine when you couldn't think "Oh I'll just call up that scene in BLA BLA BLA and watch it again because I enjoyed it so much"? Well that was the time I lived in at your age folks. Dreadful times, I'm sure. Somehow I survived them plus brought a couple of other strange people into the world as well. Amazing hu? Yup. Yes Sir. Oh fuck it's been hell OK?

I mean, would you honestly go to all this fuss and bother of writing something down if you thought no one would read it? I think not. Most of all, I think artists want an audience. They don't care who you are, how much money you've got or if you look like the hunchback on wash days ~ if they can get your attention for a while, they're in heaven. If these artists are anything like me, they've probably felt pretty much part of the woodwork most of their lives. Average student, probably remembered by most for the size of her boobs and the extraordinary way they grew over one summer break. Someone once described me as "1 WHOSE BREASTS DEFY GRAVITY". I used to laugh all these remarks off and take them as a joke, which is the way they were meant to be taken. All this I understand. But somehow, deep down in the psychological fibres of my mind I have felt the uneasy eyes of the woman folk and the lustful eyes of the male folk with a deep intensity and I entered puberty with a knowledge that I had something other women wanted mainly because other men liked them and paid large amounts of attention toward them. To these shocking discoveries I also came to understand what it was like to be an object and through this fairly narrow-minded thought process came to think that if I shut my mouth, kept my head down, walked in the shadows and never said boo to a goose, no one would worry much about the fair big-titted woman. Perhaps I might meet a kind gentleman one day who could help me with all the things for which I had no predisposition. BAD IDEA. BAD IDEA. BAD GIRL!

Chef in the kitchen and maid in the living room I was not (nor am I still I'm sorry to advise) but I was beginning to sense I had quite a knack for the third charm for a woman. Go on, Google the expression ~ I know you're DYING to find out. Well, not too painfully I hope. So in my dim understanding of the idea of LOVE, which was to somehow find someone that was attracted to you --> not necessarily for how you looked but what was INSIDE YOUR MIND as well --> and then get them to STAY. I'M SORRY PEOPLE, I WAS PERPLEXED TO SAY THE LEAST. How the hell was I going to do that? Not only did I have to get them to SHAG me, which wasn't all that difficult considering breast size, I had to get them to magically fall under my spell and feel that by some twist of unbelievable fete I was to be the one they were going to spend the rest of their life with. This was going to be virtually impossible ~ I felt quite sure I'd be shagged and forgotten forever and no one would ever actually want to be seen hanging around with me =-D.

So when I met my ex-husband and he expressed a real interest in living with me and making a go of it, frankly I was shocked. Happy, but shocked. I guess the mere gratitude (GRAT-TIT-UDE) of finding someone that was prepared to marry you and stay with you through thick and thin makes you feel quite obliged to return the compliment with vigor! Sadly the union has not lasted, and indeed I am to blame ~ if you ever feel that anyone can be to blame in these things. Nobody wins when love breaks down in the financial stakes. But when all is said and done and a few years go by, I actually have started to feel more fondly towards him and strangely miss the times when he used to read excepts of the newspaper to me over breakfast. I have now started to wonder whether love, once felt, can never REALLY disappear. Having said that he is a crap father but anyway that's another story ...

The fact of the matter is, the older you get and the more you can conceptualize the world the more you grow to understand that issues are hard to resolve and changes are very slow. It is hard to stop the financial wheel from grinding when we all need it to put food on our family's plates. Apparently there is going to be a population explosion in the coming decades, which means we'll need more water, more food, more resources and facilities. Also there is a danger that some of the areas of our world will become uninhabitable, so there may be a shift in population density. This means people wandering around, trying to find a home. Everyone deserves to have a home, no matter what kind of an arsehole you've been. So how can we accommodate all these changing needs in our societies, our communities? We are going to have to RE-DRAW OUR LINES and re-think how we think, or sooner or later you will be forced to make choices you hadn't considered. Don't think that just because someone or something has been accessible to you all your life SO FAR that it will always be so. Think how far we've come ---> imagine what's possible? Imagine what sacrifices may be necessary to reach those possibilities?

I've wandered a little, I know. I feel the bed beckoning, as empty as it might be, there is a certain relief in the anticipation of repose. Thanks readers, for your company. You're quiet, but I like that =-D. Until your eyes and my words meet again, I bid you a very safe and happy evening.



1 comment:

  1. to '1 who's breasts defy gravity' encore and applause. more about ur early life and little remarks about father of James and Samantha.
    i continue to read and digest all ur blogs ...

    ReplyDelete