AM I THE DEVIL?

You may think so.  Indeed my Employee Number at Cadbury Schweppes was 666 for 6 long years.  So maybe I really am some kind of manifestation of the devil?

"WE ARE THE NATURE OF THE BEAST" Robbie Williams

No I am not religious at all.  My Mother used to clean the local church (voluntarily) when I was a child.  That's about the closest I came to Religion.  Whilst Mummy was busy with her chores I'd wonder around and snoop.  I didn't think it WAS snooping in those days, but that is exactly what I was doing!  I knew it was kinda wrong too.  But I also knew that I would never have stolen anything and I was too naive for anyone to have considered any breach of confidentiality on my behalf.  So I validated it to myself that way.  I guess I would have been around 7 or 8?  Have to check with my Mum :).  So there I was in the little back room behind the podium where the important man with lots of boring things to say would put on his robes.  They smelt musty and there were symbols of the cross everywhere scattered on tables, adorning the walls and hanging from necklaces on the hangers where shrouds of cloth hung.  I felt a burning curiosity to absorb whatever magic existed in that quiet room.  I wanted to understand what spell had been cast on the other people in the room that they listened with such intensity to the ramblings of an old man, wearing white robes with a red trim and a great big road intersection around his neck.  As I recall he had something on his head too, but I can't remember what it looked like.  At some points during the recital we had to stand up.  This was exceedingly horrid.  Finally Mum told me I could sit down after what seemed like an eternity of droning.

Despite the boredom I recognized that people enjoyed it and did it FOR PLEASURE.  There was no business arrangement.  In fact, often the audience had to pay THEM on the way out in a silver box.  I remember wondering why anyone would want to pay to endure such tedious circumstances and why the man smiled with an open box at the entrance of the church when we left.

As I've matured, I'm still at a loss about the whole ceremony, but when you think about the amount of ceremonious activity that we humans put ourselves through constantly is it little wonder that Religion is no different to anything else?  Birth, Death, Weddings, Funerals, Sport, Politics, RELIGION?  If people relate BEING GOOD to behaving in these strange ritualistic activities then WHO AM I to judge them of their faith in such things? They should be grateful that they have faith in it because in a way it must be of great comfort and I am JEALOUS.  I cannot believe in a fairy tail.  HOWEVER (and there's always a HOWEVER, so never think there isn't) the human mind is capable of FAR FAR MORE than we dare think about on a daily basis.  Our little ritualistic lives run like clockwork and all the appointments, phone calls, meetings, endless driving here and there, to and fro, makes us forget that ... WE ARE ALSEEP.  We have fallen asleep at the wheel.  We'd rather not think about the bigger picture, because the bigger picture, is ~ well let's FACE it ~ it's not very pretty is it?

So maybe, JUST MAYBE, I see a way where I can incorporate some CONCEPT of a POSITIVE FORCE or ENERGY into my life, without believing all the HOCUS POCUS stuff that they try and sell you along with it.  You see where I said in the previous paragraph something like "THEY SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT THEY HAVE FAITH"  Do you see that part there?  Yeah well that's really weird because they reckon that in order to "HAVE FAITH YOU HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL".  So which comes first here?  The BLIND FAITH ?  Or the simple appreciation of BEING ALIVE? 

I've tried to be grateful.  I try everyday to be grateful to those around me and project my love forward onto them.  I try and put my bravest face forward for I know that there are others suffering far more than I ~ somewhere ~ and I need to pull myself together and be the strongest, kindest, most compassionate human being that I can possibly be in order to help these people and inspire them to heal and mend.  Just as others have done for me, like MY MOTHER. 

But it's tough you know?  It's really FUCKIN TOUGH.  Sometimes I just feel like giving up and crawling into a hole and dying like I've been asked to do on a few occasions.  And what is going through my mind at that sad juncture is that I HATE YOU ALL.  I just fucking hate you all.  You don't deserve any of my love or attention. FUCK YOU HORRIBLE PEOPLE.  I'm going to hide away until I'm dead and you're not going to see any of my LIGHT because you are NOT WORTHY!!!

And it's there in that moment ~ A MOMENT OF PURE BITTERNESS ~ that I hate myself so VEHEMENTLY ~ and sometimes I think I am the Devil Reincarnate. 


666 .....  (FEAR ME!!!)