I remember in kindergarten I was extremely timid. I really didn't enjoy anyone knowing anything about me. I hated people to watch me doing anything, as though somehow people were learning my innermost secrets. I guess I just assumed they were like me. However their curiosity in me was fleeting, just like everything else that a human feels ~ transient in its nature.
I felt that I should be consistent in my temperament and tried to harness the idea of being able to control who I was, what I did and how I felt. I did it quite successfully too I might add. Life was a little bit strange to me however I had figured out a way whereby I could get out of just about anything at all, pretending not to exist.
I got enjoyment from simple pleasures, like watching the birds flying around having a hoot. I really really wanted to be a bird. I used to have flying dreams quite a lot as a child, and someone suggested to me once it was because you're going to be highly ambitious and successful one day. At the time they told me this I nearly laughed fully in their face at the mere suggestion of either of these words relating to me in anyway whatsoever. People with my kind of qualifications and experience at life (NIL) don't go around thinking they're going to be highly successful someday, unless they're high on drugs, prescription or otherwise.
I got so much inspiration from birds that I wondered if somehow you could morph into a bird. I wasn't aware of this term at the age upon which I had these strange thoughts, but essentially I was trying to put some logic into it, which is hilarious when you think that now the whole theory of evolution as per Charles Darwin has disintegrated as a result of the creationists that have come out and correctly said, "There is no evidence to suggest that a whale has ever turned into a dog, for example. Thus the adaptation theory can only apply to inter-species and not cross-species" Of course this is quite correct, and anyone with half a brain can see that there is no fucking way this theory can account for human existence on Earth and our origins. However, this is where the creationists go horribly wrong ...
As a result of this particular *new information* (I say NEW INFORMATION in a funny way because it's always been there really) the creationists have now come out and said ... "SO THEREFORE THERE MUST BE A GOD" This new information provides unequivocal proof that there must have been a CREATOR of some kind in order for us to exist.
Well I don't know about you folk, but to me that's jumping a wee bit far ahead for my miniscule brain to cope with! OK so Darwin's Theory Of Evolution, which we have been teaching kids in schools for years, may not be STRICTLY THE TRUTH, but there are shades of it there in the way that certain features of a species can adapt over time as a result of its environment. But to go off and say that there is NO DOUBT in your mind whatsoever that GOD NOW EXISTS is stretching the friendship a bit as far as I'm concerned.
You have to ask the question at times as to how important is it that we dwell on the past (however fascinating it may be) and ask the big future questions, like how the fuck are we going to live in the same high standard of living globally if everyone in the world wants a home, a car, a job, a family etc ... Sometimes you have to ask the REALLY REALLY big questions and wonder whether we need to take stock of where our various BELIEFS have taken us to RIGHT NOW, and whether we REALLY REALLY want to keep heading in that direction? Or could we make it a lot easier on ourselves and our kids?
To me, the most important thing I ever wanted was a sense of belonging. I'm still searching for it even after having children who although I love them tremendously and would never abandon them I've never felt "I AM HOME" which some people say about their family relationships. Fuck if I'm home then kill me now I say! :)
I'm going to go to bed tonight and hopefully dream of flying again. Sometimes you wake up and for a split second or two, you could just be that bird on a wing ....