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Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sadness (Enigma)

I like music.  I like sadness.  Sadness has become what I am.  Sadness is what gets me up in the morning and sadness is what I go to bed with at night.

I think I would not be able to carry on without my sadness.  It has become my crutch.  It is as though the sadness inside me is my STRENGTH and should I let all of it go I would be left a very mediocre person with a mind filled with nothing but bitter sweet memories of how my life and other's lives could have been

So I stand up for my SADNESS and I feed it daily with all the things that perpetuate that feeling.  I've got lots of circumstances and experience to draw upon to foster that sadness and so the twisted pain that I feel towards my fellow man in my head continues to flourish.  You too would feel like this if you had had the things happen to you that have happened to me.

It is possible to relinquish your pain and let it all go and be free.  The difference is with me is I cannot be free of my SADNESS.  My SADNESS IS ME.  Without my pain and SADNESS the best part of me would die.  I will always long for the people in my life that should have been there for me ... MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER, MY FATHER. And sometimes I do ... sometimes I have it completely worked out.  But then it slips through my fingers again and I find I'm back to square one.

The suicide of a sibling, the sexual control of a warped Father, a mentally disabled child, and the misunderstandings of a world gone bad.  That's what living represents to me.  The only time I feel any sense of wholeness on the planet is when there is music and drugs.  They take me out of this cruel world.  They ensure that my escapism is complete.  One day they will be my ticket out of here ... probably in a wooden crate bound for cremation.

People can't hurt you when you're ALREADY BROKEN.  You shouldn't use a beautiful woman for your own sexual gratification.  If men are meant to love and protect me then they have failed on so many levels.  And if women are meant to be a part of the SISTERHOOD then I haven't seen much evidence of any of this love in action.

Women need to be independent and free to seek out their own way of life.  They shouldn't be made to wear black robes from head to foot in case some other man finds them sexually attractive and wants to fuck them.

MEN SHOW SOME FUCKING SELF CONTROL!  Just because we flaunt it all around on the TV, the internet, the magazines, cd covers ... in fact fucking everywhere really ... YOU MUST RISE ABOVE IT.  Don't allow the media to control your sexual desire.  You must search inside your heart and see if you can find the love and responsibility that is needed for you to make your women understand you again.  The trust you acquire in your lifetime is through a lifetime of knowing that YOU WILL NOT FALTER no matter what temptations are put in front of you.  If you take away the TEMPTATION, you are not RISING ABOVE IT, you are merely holding off the inevitable of WHAT WE ARE.

Temptation is controllable.  You can have your cake and eat it too but it takes time and you must return to your own innocence like a child to see what people really see when they look at you.



  1. Much of what you say here confirms thoughts and ideas I've had about you and your feelings.
    I've not had courage to say that you use your past and present issues as a crutch, mainly because I'd probably do same. I can never truly understand how you get through your life or judge your way of coping. I'm sure you miss your sister and father, even after what he did to you and Sandra he was man who initially loved you both as his little daughters and you both would have loved him then too. I'm guessing along with grief for sister there is also guilt and anger, guilt for not being able to help (not that you could you were so young) and anger because with her death you became fathers next obsession. The men in your life who let you down, Father, Brother, Husband, Boyfriends, etc ... I can't speak for them but will say that I would have done all I could to never let you down and to help in every way with caring and looking after Samantha and James. Anyway I've probably said some things I shouldn't have, and left out lot of things too .... Main thing is to let you know I'd do anything to be your man and help try to relieve your sadness, will always love you and care for you, take care my dear Caz <3 :) xxx

  2. You're very smart James and very intuitive and I feel I know your heart too. I really truly do feel your love and your strength watching over me everyday. Your guidance has been priceless to me James x

  3. Prova un nuovo browser con traduzione automatica.Scarica Google ChromeIgnora
    I like you as a woman sexually , but after this first impression it took over one another. The look on your face , your eyes , your sadness hidden hide something more pure and needing to be understood for what it between the lines you would like to convey. I'm a doctor , but also a psychic, a talent inherited from my maternal grandmother , who cresciutomi , gave me a lot of traditions in our land. My Grandmother Yolanda, was the sister of a fortuneteller psychic, very famous in my Salerno ( Orlando Magician , his brother, died over 100 years ) ; she transmitted to me all about the myths and legends and folklore of our ancient land, although now impoverished by unemployment and lack of enhancement of cultural and environmental landscape ( famous Amalfi, Paestum , Pompeii ecccecc . ) . You made me cry, one evening, I felt a deep empathy towards all those who have been your personal dramas , and believe me, I just wanted to hold you and hug to make you feel very strongly my spirit and my heart pounding and pounding for you. Forgive me sometimes , my silly jokes .... The truth that although the antipodes , I think I begin to know you and love you for that which you are .... Write me every so often and do not forget that from ' the other side of the world , c ' is a man who loves you not for your good looks , but for your fragilità.Sempre ready to talk with you if you...

  4. I agree with Alberto.

    However, I recommend watching "I Spit on Your Grave 2" to give you an idea of what women might have to do IF they know the world isn't going to back them up when abused by men. Even so, the $800 made from the first week of this movie's short run shows that NO woman would dare break their taboo against returning violence against violence. Thus there will always be victims because of entrenched victimology in the justice system.

    I however reject violence as a Buddhist. No man has the right to abuse women, nor does any woman have the right to abuse men. Furthermore, abuse of children is reprehensible.

    Because women of color still suffer abuse, feminism has yet to facilitate the true liberation of women today. Nigeria's lost 250 girls by Boko Haram is proof of this.

    Be Strong, QT.